back to normal

this morning i woke up next to the most amazing two people i think i will ever meet.

I am feeling back to normal, back to my old self and it feels good.
I have been such a moody bitch lately it's not even funny at all.
I used to love the way I never got angry and today I just told God I was gonna let it all go.
I''m gonna leave the past where it is and move forward because there is no point dwelling on something that I cannot change.
And it hit me that that is the only way anything will ever get better.

I'm happy. So i'm moving forward.

about my day.

Today is one day that I wish would have never happened.
It's one day that I wish I could go back in time and change.
So much pain from just one person.

I think I'm capable to be a mother.
I think I have a natural instinct for how I want to raise my child.
I know I have already found somebody that I want to share that entire experience with.
I have someone that I love enough to keep in my life forever to raise my kids and to be my family.

So why does it feel so unfair that what I want I can't have?

All the pain I have gone through just to suffer more unbearable medication numbing pain in one night. So all my dreams of having a family can be put on hold.

I was seven weeks and four days, and everyday I felt full. I felt I had a purpose. Even though most of those days I felt nauseous and grumpy.

And now today I feel empty like life does not have any meaning again.

But then again when I look at my life, I feel like without this one experience I would never really know what it means to make a family. I wouldn't know how important a life is. I would never know how much Barrett really does truly love me and that he is genuine when he says it. I would never know how much I would really miss my independent life.

So when I look at today, I think it was more of just a learning experience to make the rest of my life a cause to something bigger and more important. And when the time comes to start my family I'll be ready.

I have learned never to take coffee, cigarettes, drinking, and Barrett for granted ever. Most important Barrett, because I will love him forever no matter what.He has done so much for me. He has been amazing. He has been the best support I've had all day and for that I am grateful. So if Bear you're reading this thank you for everything you do. Anytime I want to feel shitty about life I look at you and know there is no reason to. You are my best friend and the love of my life without you I don't think I would be as sane as I am right now. I love you.

so today.

i wanna make sure i do everything I want to do.
i'm gonna start a savings so that i can do everything that i want to do.

1. pay off all my bills. $1000
2. get rid of all my bad habits. smoking drinking eating. $100/month
3. get my tattoos. $2000
4. buy my car. $27,000
5. fix what i don't like about myself. $6000

It's going to cost alot to fix up my life.

enjoy life today because you are taking it away from someone.