about my day.

Today is one day that I wish would have never happened.
It's one day that I wish I could go back in time and change.
So much pain from just one person.

I think I'm capable to be a mother.
I think I have a natural instinct for how I want to raise my child.
I know I have already found somebody that I want to share that entire experience with.
I have someone that I love enough to keep in my life forever to raise my kids and to be my family.

So why does it feel so unfair that what I want I can't have?

All the pain I have gone through just to suffer more unbearable medication numbing pain in one night. So all my dreams of having a family can be put on hold.

I was seven weeks and four days, and everyday I felt full. I felt I had a purpose. Even though most of those days I felt nauseous and grumpy.

And now today I feel empty like life does not have any meaning again.

But then again when I look at my life, I feel like without this one experience I would never really know what it means to make a family. I wouldn't know how important a life is. I would never know how much Barrett really does truly love me and that he is genuine when he says it. I would never know how much I would really miss my independent life.

So when I look at today, I think it was more of just a learning experience to make the rest of my life a cause to something bigger and more important. And when the time comes to start my family I'll be ready.

I have learned never to take coffee, cigarettes, drinking, and Barrett for granted ever. Most important Barrett, because I will love him forever no matter what.He has done so much for me. He has been amazing. He has been the best support I've had all day and for that I am grateful. So if Bear you're reading this thank you for everything you do. Anytime I want to feel shitty about life I look at you and know there is no reason to. You are my best friend and the love of my life without you I don't think I would be as sane as I am right now. I love you.