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depression de·pres·sion - /dɪˈprɛʃən/ [dih-presh-uhn]
-a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity

synonyms- abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry

i feel every one of those words. my heart feels heavy and I can't breathe. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this fake smile.

had a dream

My whole life was completely different. I had graduated from SFSU and got my master's in business and had all of this money from a flower shop I bought out and turned into a small cafe. It was very interesting how different and complete and alone I felt.

I had a great apartment in the city but nobody to share it with.

So I woke up this morning and for the life of me could not get out of bed, but I did anyways. And I cleaned up and gt all my shit ready for work.

weird how life works.

a 1950's love story does not exsist

Is it really possible to give your heart and soul to somebody forever?

I always wonder with those couples that have been together forever, if they really wanted to be together or because they were so sucked into a meaningless society like ours where we must never be alone that they stayed together. Today I watched Revolutionary Road with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. It was hands down one of the most depressing movies I have ever had the pleasure of watching. Although in retrospect it was a very good movie. Well adapted from the book, I thought the ending was a bit un-fulfilling to the whole movie plot. But basically the movie was about how two people get stuck in a fake unhappy lifestyle. Where they both feel as if the other person is cheating them in one way or another. Or sabotaging them from real happiness in life which either of them know what that actually is. And honestly if this is how life being married to someone is like, i'd rather be single forever.

I love b but if i ever ended up hating him i don't think life would ever be good again.