aggrivated

I am going to blow up the world today.

Test today.
Project due tomorrow.
reader response due tomorrow.
sociology project due monday.
work wed-sun.

i drank so much coffee and now i am sick.
Cigarettes can no longer suffice this stress.
I'm not going to look for a new home for me and bear and kade to move into.
i am tired of searching.
i cant fit anything into my schedule anymore.
i am too tired to do anything.
but i don't make enough money to coast and sleep.

sometimes I feel like what is the point.
i don't get any recognition for how hard I work.
i am only doing each job in my life half way.

i am not a good daughter, girlfriend, student, waitress, step mom, sister, pet owner.
when will i get what i want?
i feel like i never will.
I have too many things I need to finish.
i just don't see the pay off anymore.
It's beginning to feel pointless to me again.
i feel like i am living an ever present repetitious cycle of endlessness.

Today is no good. no time to rest. no more time to write.
i gotta get going.

i don't think we're in kansas anymore

leaving is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

we argue all the time.

i don't make you happy anymore.

you belittle me and everything i do.

i am probably the stupidest person in your eyes.

you can't get your shit together.

maybe on the outside we look happy.

but i feel like you fell out of love.

i feel like its just a matter of time before you get too tired to fight and leave me or i get to upset to care and leave you.

i think this is why i can't quit smoking.

i'm doing my best and i don't know if i can do better.

i am only acting like myself and it doesn't seem like you're too happy with that.

here's to you my glorious future

Today is the day I want to turn things around.
From today on my life will begin again.

I have decided to make a promise to myself that I will keep.
I want to do all the things I set out to do,
because life is too short to not do everything you want.
I live my life lessons a lot through others, but I want to make a journey for myself.

I want to know who I really am and be more secure with that.
For some people, they move out, they live, they cry, they learn in a new place and a new life.
But for me, I want to experience everything that I have in my life that makes me happy everyday. I want to add to my successes and lessen my struggles. I want to take in the pain to appreciate the happiness.
I'm tired of being jealous of what others have or get to do.
I'm ready to set out my own goals and to to accomplish them.
I'm tired of slacking. The constnt struggle of never finishing things and starting them. So my new goal is to finish everything that I've started and stop half assing things that need to get done.
The fun part of life is getting where you need to be and the ultimate goal for me is to be lying on the beach next to Bear when i'm 80 in a bikini not having a care in the world. I have fifty years till then. So I am giving myself all of this time to accomplish all of these things.

long term goals (bucket list)
1. See Kaiden grow into a wonderful successful man
2. Make Barrett happy everyday
3. Give my dad everything he wants in the world
4. Take both of my brothers to see a world cup game.
5. Travel to London, France, Spain, Brazil, India, China, Italy and Japan
6. Be fluent in at least 4 of those languages
7. Publish a novel
8. Make a zen garden

short term goals for 2011
1. Move out with and begin my family
2. Pass every class i'm taking.
3. Pay off all of my bills
4. Become a size 2 again
5. Take care of my puppy dog
6. Take the boys to Disneyland
7. Buy a bike
8. Meditate at least once a day
9. Work out more
10. Eat healthier
1. Quit smoking

I will do everyone of these things starting today... I have a little while though...