Looking towards my future?

Eventually I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to buy a home. I keep looking at how to do it and the best ways to get there. I am hell bent on moving forward and doing what i need to do to get there. I want to buy a house with a pool and have days where I just have a space to be my own person and express myself in my own home the way I want to. I want it to be a reflection of what makes me happy and comfortable. This is what I need to move on into the next stage of adulthood. I need to finish my degree and be an inspiration to all of those who don't think that its possible. My parents did it. They started with nothing and somewhat succeeded in doing all that they could to get where they are. Its possible. A girl can dream...

my path

simms is a guy I think about not so often, but whenever i think about how hard my life is I think about another path it could have taken if I had taken his offer the night was stopped seeing him. about four or five years ago i met a guy that everyone loved. he was smart, funny extremely handsome and I was instinctively drawn to him. he was about six foot Hispanic and white and very easy on the eyes. he was charming and the perfect gentlemen when we met. at the time we met i was going through a phase where i hated men. bear had just broke my heart after we had met and told me he needed his space to try and get back with his ex. i coped with this by binging on beer and smoking as much weed as i could get my hand on. simms became my friend one night when we met at a party out in rockville. a friend of mine from work invited me to party that night. i was a heavy smoker and that night i went out to have a cig and i was outside alone after walking in on people playing beer pong and a drunk girl telling me that we used to be best friends. i felt awkward and outta place and decided that tonight I was going to be the drunk lonely girl. simms came outside and saved me that night from myself. he told me smoking was bad for me and that smoking weed was the only exception. we sat on the porch swing and talked for about an hour after that. we talked about movies that we loved and people we both knew. he told me that I should come inside with him and be social. I knew he was right at the time, and we went in he introduced me to everyone and never let me sit alone the entire night. the next morning after waking up on a couch hungover from way too many tequila shots. I walked into the bathroom to get myself ready and leave. and i saw wooley and stephen passed out on the floor and in the bathtub of their bathroom. i woke them up and asked them if we should get breakfast. they both grunted and i washed my face, and when i walked into the kitchen to grab my purse and head out, there was simms. he had made us breakfast and asked me to stay. i told him i had to go and he would not take no for an answer so i stayed and we had some scrambled eggs and bacon. we were pretty much the only ones awake and we talked for a while and then i left. as i was driving away passed the college and through the cemetery on my way home simms had text me and told me to give him a call when i got home to make sure i made it ok. he had put his name and picture in my phone and i thought it was sweet and not creepy at all. haha. from then on we had a habit of seeing eachother at parties and casual get togethers through mutual friends. he became a great friend to me and taught me to know that i am worth meeting and getting to know. finally we hit a point that changed my life. we had been hanging out alone a few times. and the last time we did he asked me to go with him to a play of the king and i in sac. i thought about it and told him that i had to see a movie with a good friend that same day so maybe we could just hang out before then. we went to the c deli and had two egg salad sandwiches. when we were done eating he told me that i was one of the sweetest girls he had ever met and that he had wanted to kiss me from the time we met, but wanted it to work and not just be a one night kinda deal. i told him to do it. and we kissed. simms was a breathe of fresh air, but i just couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. happiness? love? something. something inside me told me it didn't feel right but he was so excited and happy i just played along with it.in an instance i could see our future. i think it is something weird that girls do. i just thought of endless days of being just okay with the relationship we could have. but if i was just going along with it now, whose to say i wouldn't be doing it for the rest of my life? we went to the beach that some night in sf and went to a bonfire. he held my hand and walked with me away from everyone else and that's when i knew. it didn't feel the way it should have and i needed to stop it now before it hurt really bad. my heart was somewhere else. i told him after we drove back home. and he told me not to feel bad or sad for him and that the man that gets me should hang on tight because he is lucky. i saw bear the next day and we saw a movie together. and i knew that he was who i was supposed to be with. he kissed me and held me with such comfort that i never wanted him to let go. my heart was with him and it has been ever since. the point is that i knew inside me that my gut didn't love simms but i will be forever grateful that he helped me make up my mind. without him i never would know what love really meant to me, i would just be going through the motions with somebody and always thinking in the back of my mind where i would be instead and wondering if it could be better with somebody else. but bear makes me feel like no matter where i am we are bound by something deeper than love. we are soulmates. yes, simms was exciting and sweet and the perfect gentlemen up to the very last moment we were together, but he will never be bear and therefore will never be my destiny. simms is exactly who i needed to meet to understand the path that i would take, i am forever thankful for meeting him and for him to be not an idiotic mistake, but for him to show me what i really needed. i am now a mother and a wife and my life is more full than i ever thought it could be thanks to him. 500 days of summer

insomnia

Currently Listening to Gwen Stefani- Cool

Love works so strangely.

It's like sometimes you feel so secure. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. This is the man that will hold my hand for the rest of my life. This is the man I will grow old with. The man who will wake up next to me everyday morning until i die.

Then there are days when that seems further from the truth. I cannot understand how two lovers become enemies. It is mind boggling. Is that when you're supposed to move on? I feel like love is a giant roller coaster of anxiety and emotion. There are days when I feel relaxed, confident and secure. Then there are days that fill me with self- doubt. What am I doing with my life?

I can't picture myself leaving, but I feel like sometimes I deserve to feel wanted all the time. And I don't feel like that is selfish at all.

I feel wanted 50% of the time and that's not good enough. It sucks to be the one on the short end of the stick. I hate love.

I feel like I may never get his full affection. I want it so badly,but it just disappoints me in the end. I wait and long and yearn for his love. But somehow just knowing about his past relationship make me feel like the inferior one.

TO BE CONTINUED...

aggrivated

I am going to blow up the world today.

Test today.
Project due tomorrow.
reader response due tomorrow.
sociology project due monday.
work wed-sun.

i drank so much coffee and now i am sick.
Cigarettes can no longer suffice this stress.
I'm not going to look for a new home for me and bear and kade to move into.
i am tired of searching.
i cant fit anything into my schedule anymore.
i am too tired to do anything.
but i don't make enough money to coast and sleep.

sometimes I feel like what is the point.
i don't get any recognition for how hard I work.
i am only doing each job in my life half way.

i am not a good daughter, girlfriend, student, waitress, step mom, sister, pet owner.
when will i get what i want?
i feel like i never will.
I have too many things I need to finish.
i just don't see the pay off anymore.
It's beginning to feel pointless to me again.
i feel like i am living an ever present repetitious cycle of endlessness.

Today is no good. no time to rest. no more time to write.
i gotta get going.

i don't think we're in kansas anymore

leaving is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

we argue all the time.

i don't make you happy anymore.

you belittle me and everything i do.

i am probably the stupidest person in your eyes.

you can't get your shit together.

maybe on the outside we look happy.

but i feel like you fell out of love.

i feel like its just a matter of time before you get too tired to fight and leave me or i get to upset to care and leave you.

i think this is why i can't quit smoking.

i'm doing my best and i don't know if i can do better.

i am only acting like myself and it doesn't seem like you're too happy with that.

here's to you my glorious future

Today is the day I want to turn things around.
From today on my life will begin again.

I have decided to make a promise to myself that I will keep.
I want to do all the things I set out to do,
because life is too short to not do everything you want.
I live my life lessons a lot through others, but I want to make a journey for myself.

I want to know who I really am and be more secure with that.
For some people, they move out, they live, they cry, they learn in a new place and a new life.
But for me, I want to experience everything that I have in my life that makes me happy everyday. I want to add to my successes and lessen my struggles. I want to take in the pain to appreciate the happiness.
I'm tired of being jealous of what others have or get to do.
I'm ready to set out my own goals and to to accomplish them.
I'm tired of slacking. The constnt struggle of never finishing things and starting them. So my new goal is to finish everything that I've started and stop half assing things that need to get done.
The fun part of life is getting where you need to be and the ultimate goal for me is to be lying on the beach next to Bear when i'm 80 in a bikini not having a care in the world. I have fifty years till then. So I am giving myself all of this time to accomplish all of these things.

long term goals (bucket list)
1. See Kaiden grow into a wonderful successful man
2. Make Barrett happy everyday
3. Give my dad everything he wants in the world
4. Take both of my brothers to see a world cup game.
5. Travel to London, France, Spain, Brazil, India, China, Italy and Japan
6. Be fluent in at least 4 of those languages
7. Publish a novel
8. Make a zen garden

short term goals for 2011
1. Move out with and begin my family
2. Pass every class i'm taking.
3. Pay off all of my bills
4. Become a size 2 again
5. Take care of my puppy dog
6. Take the boys to Disneyland
7. Buy a bike
8. Meditate at least once a day
9. Work out more
10. Eat healthier
1. Quit smoking

I will do everyone of these things starting today... I have a little while though...

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depression de·pres·sion - /dɪˈprɛʃən/ [dih-presh-uhn]
-a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity

synonyms- abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry

i feel every one of those words. my heart feels heavy and I can't breathe. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this fake smile.