thinking

when i sit alone and think about the past it makes me want to turn my back.
I turn my back and when I do I'm all alone again.
I don't think that's the way it should be.
I don't wanna feel sad about the past.
I love you.
So I'm gonna put it behind us.
so we can live for our future.
I love you, so I promise I will never hold anything against you,
as long as you promise to love me forever.

my fucking lungs are broken.

So yeah basically my lungs are broken.
Today I quit smoking.

So I dunno about today.
The sun may be shining but it makes me miss the rain.
Even though the weather is beautiful i still feel kinda blue.
It's amazing to me how I can always tell when somebody is lying.

How long have me and B been dating?
Two years almost?
I don't really believe it.
I don't consider it two years.
Sometimes I think of the way we've been dating and it makes me feel kinda sick.

The countless times we broke up.
The time when he broke up with me and told me I would always just be a rebound.
The time he didn't tell me about when we started dating and he slept with somebody else.
This morning when I was looking for old pictures of us on his computer and found a bunch of him happily with his ex dated around the same time we were dating about last year.
I especially like those ones of you two on your couch, and the ones
So if you ask me we have only been seriously dating for two months.

He asked me a few nights ago if I knew how much he loved me?
To be honest, I have not a clue.
You really don't do half the shit I have been through to somebody you love.

I'm sitting here not even crying because I find there is no point.
I sit and I think do I really want to have a family and a life with someone I feel is only half honest.

The sad truth always comes out in time.
I need to take a break from us for a while.
I need to clear my mind.
Because I know I love you, I just can't remember why anymore.


btw you two are so cute.
I especially like the black and white ones.
you make a really cute couple.

I think I need a break.

sun day.

sometimes i wonder if i'm doing it right,
if i really know how to live my life.
which path is the right way
from which i have gone
or does the one that i've chosen
feel really wrong?

some days I just wonder
when i look out the window
do things get gloomier or is it just me?
The sky is falling,
and nobody sees
they all live day by day happily
so sometimes I wonder am I going the right way?
Is it just me stuck to say
I guess I just have to live it
one day at a time
and appreciate the happiness
and the sunshine.

misdirection

I wonder if i'm ever going to go anywhere.
Or actually accomplish anything.

doesn't seem very likely. not very likely at all.

The friends I think are friends appear to be not there at all.
And i don't know who my family is anymore.

I am falling;

Falling apart at my seams.

Maybe it's the past.

The past is always present which always makes me sad,
because you can never erase the past.
It becomes history.
It becomes memory.
It becomes us.
It becomes a reminder to never trust anyone completely.
No matter how close, or how estranged,
the past never changes. It is just a reminder.

Never will i leave my heart in anyone's hands but my own.

a bleak day...

currently listening to: Fionn Reagan- Put a penny in the slot.

The past few days have been extremely stormy and depressing. I have been feeling very down because of this dismal weather. I mean I am happy right now so I see it as just one more stormy day I need to appreciate the sunshine. I really need to think of it like that from now on instead of just immediately becoming depressed when things don't go my way or when the sun doesn't listen to my suggestions. I should learn to always be much more optimistic. That is something i am definitely going to work on about myself.

Today I had a great day with two of the most wonderful guys around; Barrett and Kaiden. I know I get really frustrated with Barrett sometimes when we fight over such stupid things but just being around Kaiden makes it all better. Seriously, I feel like this relationship I got into is with two people, because I had to give them both my heart. I kinda realized it today. Like I fully understood what it is like to open up my heart and basically be a parent. Kaiden doesn't care if you're rich or poor. He doesn't care if you are ugly or cute. He is the only person in the world that just wants your time. He would just be happy with a sippy cup full of apple juice, a few plastic lizards and snakes, and some time spent with you. He is the most amazing almost three year old Ive ever met.

My mind is bouncing off the wall right now.


Anywhooooo.... This blog is getting too mushy and i gotta get some sleep.
school starts tomorrow fyi...

here's some pics from today---->>



i think i've got a sexy man. lol.

a bad case of the uglies....

today i woke up not feeling so great again.
i just want to feel special to you.
i know you love me because you tell me all the time but,
i don't feel so important to you anymore.
maybe it's just me but i just need to be reassured sometimes,
especially on days like this...
where i feel like this day could not get any uglier.

i don't want to drive you away by telling you all this,
like you HAVE to be better to me and notice me more.
no that's not what i want at all.

i just want to feel important again.
like before when you made me feel like if you didn't treat me well
you could lose me at anytime.
like lately i just feel like just one of the guys.
like your best friend, and feeling like your best friends isn't bad,
but i'd rather feel like a lady.

i just am so down about myself lately that sometimes i need a little
reassurance.

i wanna know that i'm your only woman.
that you wanna wake up next to me everyday.
that you think of me constantly.
that i am still beautiful in your eyes.

because that is how i look at you, every single day still.

morning mask.

Today i feel ugly
Not very pretty at all
Not lately.

I know I should always feel like I am beautiful just because I hate feeling so self loathing, but lately I feel like nobody tells me or anything to reassure me.

I don't have the prettiest smile, I am not skinny at all, I don't have the best complexion, I don't have the biggest boobs, I don't have pretty hair, I don't have long beautiful eyelashes, My nails aren't pretty, I have man toes, I have stretch marks in places I don't want them, I have scars all over my body, my socks never match... I am just not beautiful.

I can always tell i'm not when i take pictures. I mean yeah, i'm not photogenic whatsoever, but next to somebody else is when i notice my flaws.

It's when I feel most ugly, and lately I just don't feel pretty at all. It makes me feel so sad sometimes.

When I was younger I thought I could grow up and become beautiful, but i guess it's not always the case. I thought I could grow up and look and feel like a princess, but now that i'm older I just feel like i'm never gonna be beautiful.

I'm not a megan fox or a rosario dawson and it makes me sad that i will never come close to being as pretty or as eye catching.

Well i gotta get to work. time to go fake a smile.

peace



p.s. basically this is how i feel today.