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depression de·pres·sion - /dɪˈprɛʃən/ [dih-presh-uhn]
-a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity

synonyms- abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry

i feel every one of those words. my heart feels heavy and I can't breathe. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this fake smile.

had a dream

My whole life was completely different. I had graduated from SFSU and got my master's in business and had all of this money from a flower shop I bought out and turned into a small cafe. It was very interesting how different and complete and alone I felt.

I had a great apartment in the city but nobody to share it with.

So I woke up this morning and for the life of me could not get out of bed, but I did anyways. And I cleaned up and gt all my shit ready for work.

weird how life works.

a 1950's love story does not exsist

Is it really possible to give your heart and soul to somebody forever?

I always wonder with those couples that have been together forever, if they really wanted to be together or because they were so sucked into a meaningless society like ours where we must never be alone that they stayed together. Today I watched Revolutionary Road with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. It was hands down one of the most depressing movies I have ever had the pleasure of watching. Although in retrospect it was a very good movie. Well adapted from the book, I thought the ending was a bit un-fulfilling to the whole movie plot. But basically the movie was about how two people get stuck in a fake unhappy lifestyle. Where they both feel as if the other person is cheating them in one way or another. Or sabotaging them from real happiness in life which either of them know what that actually is. And honestly if this is how life being married to someone is like, i'd rather be single forever.

I love b but if i ever ended up hating him i don't think life would ever be good again.

its nice to know you

nice being the operative word.
that's what my life is. it's nice.
it's simple. it's complicated.
i don't know what i want anymore


sometimes i wish this wasn't the path given to me.
sometimes i wish a more exciting life for myself.
and then i think about all i have and is it really what i've always wanted?

to be honest what i want from this relationship i don't ever get.
and i feel like sometimes if i change it i will lose what i want.

maybe i need some time to work on myself.

the police and the private

today i heard metric playing on the radio;
and i immediately thought of you.
her voice is soft, strong, and filled with a slight hint of pessimism,
just like you.
so i thought of you.

it reminded me of all the love i had for you once.
you were one of the most incredible people I had ever met.
you opened my eyes to new things everyday.
you made everyday eventful and happy.

so my dear old friend all i have to say is that I hope your new bitterness doesn't eat away at your happy soul. i miss that girl you used to be.

i will never really hate you. not even for a minute.

"lord lord mother we are all losing love"

age is nothing but a number, right?

Tonight I talked to my best friend in LA and she told me one of our best friends Ryan was dating a girl that was 15. We sat on the phone and laughed and talked shit like normal girls do without thinking. This girl was 12 when we were 17, he was committing a crime. I thought about it in disgust. My boyfriend asked me what was so funny and I told him the story and he said it was pretty bad of that guy to be dating a girl so young. But then again my boyfriend is 23 and I am 19. Although I always forget how old I am because I feel much older than most people my age.
He is 4 years older than me. So I'm sitting here talking shit when I know there are people that must have obviously talked shit about my relationship. I think it's insane when I see people dating from different age groups and how sometime for some couples it's seen as unheard of and with others I feel it's only natural. It's crazy to think a 32 year old woman is entitled to date a 45 year old man in sex and the city, but it would be inappropriate for a 17 year old to date somebody who is say 25. The age difference between the older pair is 14 years and the age difference between the younger pair is only a nine year difference. Who is to say that age really does matter?
The other day a couple came into Mimi's cafe and sat in my section. The man was walking with a cane, white hair balding in the middle, and thick green glasses. He seriously could not hear a word coming out of my mouth. And the woman he was with was in her mid-40s, little cocktail dress, strappy sandals. She looked like a working woman taking a break from work to take her father to lunch. And at the end of the meal I asked them if they cared for any desserts and the man looked at the woman and said "we don't need any dessert I'm gonna give her something sweet when we get home." And I thought it was appropriate up until the point where she licked her lips at him. Then I realized they were married. A bit of shock and disgust was hiding behind my awkward smile.
This all just helped me realize the age difference in my relationship is just fine because we are happy and in love and that's all that really matters. (and he is not old enough to be my father.)

love

my hormones are crazy in love with you.

responsibility

always working...

i am always working hard.
I try to find new ways to make life easier for everybody else.
And when I turn around to find myself,
I can't because I feel like I've given too much of it away.

how do i get it back?
the answer is you never do.

responsibility...
it's key to making life a real economic success,
when in overall reality nothing really matters.
so why keep it all going?
why pay bills? why work? why move on in life?

I find everyday becoming more and more pointless.

My dad always says be responsible manage your money.
It is important to success in life.
It is important to fit in society.
It is important to become an average American working to buy what is in all absolutely unnecessary.

back to normal

this morning i woke up next to the most amazing two people i think i will ever meet.

I am feeling back to normal, back to my old self and it feels good.
I have been such a moody bitch lately it's not even funny at all.
I used to love the way I never got angry and today I just told God I was gonna let it all go.
I''m gonna leave the past where it is and move forward because there is no point dwelling on something that I cannot change.
And it hit me that that is the only way anything will ever get better.

I'm happy. So i'm moving forward.

about my day.

Today is one day that I wish would have never happened.
It's one day that I wish I could go back in time and change.
So much pain from just one person.

I think I'm capable to be a mother.
I think I have a natural instinct for how I want to raise my child.
I know I have already found somebody that I want to share that entire experience with.
I have someone that I love enough to keep in my life forever to raise my kids and to be my family.

So why does it feel so unfair that what I want I can't have?

All the pain I have gone through just to suffer more unbearable medication numbing pain in one night. So all my dreams of having a family can be put on hold.

I was seven weeks and four days, and everyday I felt full. I felt I had a purpose. Even though most of those days I felt nauseous and grumpy.

And now today I feel empty like life does not have any meaning again.

But then again when I look at my life, I feel like without this one experience I would never really know what it means to make a family. I wouldn't know how important a life is. I would never know how much Barrett really does truly love me and that he is genuine when he says it. I would never know how much I would really miss my independent life.

So when I look at today, I think it was more of just a learning experience to make the rest of my life a cause to something bigger and more important. And when the time comes to start my family I'll be ready.

I have learned never to take coffee, cigarettes, drinking, and Barrett for granted ever. Most important Barrett, because I will love him forever no matter what.He has done so much for me. He has been amazing. He has been the best support I've had all day and for that I am grateful. So if Bear you're reading this thank you for everything you do. Anytime I want to feel shitty about life I look at you and know there is no reason to. You are my best friend and the love of my life without you I don't think I would be as sane as I am right now. I love you.

so today.

i wanna make sure i do everything I want to do.
i'm gonna start a savings so that i can do everything that i want to do.

1. pay off all my bills. $1000
2. get rid of all my bad habits. smoking drinking eating. $100/month
3. get my tattoos. $2000
4. buy my car. $27,000
5. fix what i don't like about myself. $6000

It's going to cost alot to fix up my life.

enjoy life today because you are taking it away from someone.

In the evening

I am alone.
during the day I am alone.
I am the loneliest person I know.
Even though I always have somebody near I am alone.
The only person I can depend on is myself.
I can's take care of everybody.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am my own best friend.
I can't rely one anybody but myself.
I need to love myself more.
I need to remember.

don't waste

a good scotch.

depRessed

I wish you were awake right now...
so maybe we could talk. I've been feeling really angry lately. Sometimes about us. I don't want a break. I don't need one from you but I feel like it's the only way you can really appreciate me and I can figure things out on my own. I don't feel like i'm attractive to you anymore. I feel not so sexy in front of you either. I miss the way we are together. I feel like now you see me as somebody who is just around to help clean and cook and take care of you, but how can that be attractive to you? I just feel like you can't think i'm sexy. It used to be so easy. But now I feel embarrassed even to talk to you about it. And like today, yeah I'm so tired from work then rushing over to meet you before Superbowl Sunday where you didn't introduce me to anybody until you saw how awkward I was acting. Like seriously how can it not hit you? I introduce you to everyone. It's like your so unexcited or even ashamed of me that you don't want your family to know. And dear goodness if you think somebody is hott right in front of me please don't drool over her in front of me. I swear to god I am just reaching my limit of how expendable I can be. And I am once again really sick of hearing about how bad of a mother you and I both know how Ur baby's mama can be. It's like I don't know what can we do about it? nothing. Why do I have to hear her name every 5 minutes of the day? I am so tired of it. I know you say you love me, but actions speak much louder than words. If you truly cared then FUCKING ACT LIKE IT. because maybe if you did I wouldn't always feel so fucking lonely in your cozy relationship. Right now I feel lonely and your just in the other room. You say you care but it's like if you did you would put an effort into spending alone time with me. I don't care if you have not much extra money to spend on me at all. I am very independent. It's the thought that counts. Like you getting pissy at me when we talk about valentines day. I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY. Is that te only thing that you think makes me love you? Regardless of money or whatever all I need from you is just something to show me you care.

I don't ever wanna leave you. I want to be with you but how can you not notice how lonely I am?

black coffee kinda mood

ella fitzgerald is the only lady that knows what kinda mood i'm in.

Feels like i'm getting nowhere.
I feel like i'm doing nothing.
It's time to get the excitement back into my life.
I haven't caught it in such a long time.

Lately I've been very moody.
I think it's because I can't find a happy medium between all the boys in my life.
If kaiden and barrett are happy,
alvin, mike, and my dad aren't.
And if my dad and mike and al are happy,
it usually means I havent seen barrett in a while.
And sometimes I feel like kaiden won't remember me.
I think I needa just work on that day by day.


It's about time for some black coffee and a nicotine binge.

thinking

when i sit alone and think about the past it makes me want to turn my back.
I turn my back and when I do I'm all alone again.
I don't think that's the way it should be.
I don't wanna feel sad about the past.
I love you.
So I'm gonna put it behind us.
so we can live for our future.
I love you, so I promise I will never hold anything against you,
as long as you promise to love me forever.

my fucking lungs are broken.

So yeah basically my lungs are broken.
Today I quit smoking.

So I dunno about today.
The sun may be shining but it makes me miss the rain.
Even though the weather is beautiful i still feel kinda blue.
It's amazing to me how I can always tell when somebody is lying.

How long have me and B been dating?
Two years almost?
I don't really believe it.
I don't consider it two years.
Sometimes I think of the way we've been dating and it makes me feel kinda sick.

The countless times we broke up.
The time when he broke up with me and told me I would always just be a rebound.
The time he didn't tell me about when we started dating and he slept with somebody else.
This morning when I was looking for old pictures of us on his computer and found a bunch of him happily with his ex dated around the same time we were dating about last year.
I especially like those ones of you two on your couch, and the ones
So if you ask me we have only been seriously dating for two months.

He asked me a few nights ago if I knew how much he loved me?
To be honest, I have not a clue.
You really don't do half the shit I have been through to somebody you love.

I'm sitting here not even crying because I find there is no point.
I sit and I think do I really want to have a family and a life with someone I feel is only half honest.

The sad truth always comes out in time.
I need to take a break from us for a while.
I need to clear my mind.
Because I know I love you, I just can't remember why anymore.


btw you two are so cute.
I especially like the black and white ones.
you make a really cute couple.

I think I need a break.

sun day.

sometimes i wonder if i'm doing it right,
if i really know how to live my life.
which path is the right way
from which i have gone
or does the one that i've chosen
feel really wrong?

some days I just wonder
when i look out the window
do things get gloomier or is it just me?
The sky is falling,
and nobody sees
they all live day by day happily
so sometimes I wonder am I going the right way?
Is it just me stuck to say
I guess I just have to live it
one day at a time
and appreciate the happiness
and the sunshine.

misdirection

I wonder if i'm ever going to go anywhere.
Or actually accomplish anything.

doesn't seem very likely. not very likely at all.

The friends I think are friends appear to be not there at all.
And i don't know who my family is anymore.

I am falling;

Falling apart at my seams.

Maybe it's the past.

The past is always present which always makes me sad,
because you can never erase the past.
It becomes history.
It becomes memory.
It becomes us.
It becomes a reminder to never trust anyone completely.
No matter how close, or how estranged,
the past never changes. It is just a reminder.

Never will i leave my heart in anyone's hands but my own.

a bleak day...

currently listening to: Fionn Reagan- Put a penny in the slot.

The past few days have been extremely stormy and depressing. I have been feeling very down because of this dismal weather. I mean I am happy right now so I see it as just one more stormy day I need to appreciate the sunshine. I really need to think of it like that from now on instead of just immediately becoming depressed when things don't go my way or when the sun doesn't listen to my suggestions. I should learn to always be much more optimistic. That is something i am definitely going to work on about myself.

Today I had a great day with two of the most wonderful guys around; Barrett and Kaiden. I know I get really frustrated with Barrett sometimes when we fight over such stupid things but just being around Kaiden makes it all better. Seriously, I feel like this relationship I got into is with two people, because I had to give them both my heart. I kinda realized it today. Like I fully understood what it is like to open up my heart and basically be a parent. Kaiden doesn't care if you're rich or poor. He doesn't care if you are ugly or cute. He is the only person in the world that just wants your time. He would just be happy with a sippy cup full of apple juice, a few plastic lizards and snakes, and some time spent with you. He is the most amazing almost three year old Ive ever met.

My mind is bouncing off the wall right now.


Anywhooooo.... This blog is getting too mushy and i gotta get some sleep.
school starts tomorrow fyi...

here's some pics from today---->>



i think i've got a sexy man. lol.

a bad case of the uglies....

today i woke up not feeling so great again.
i just want to feel special to you.
i know you love me because you tell me all the time but,
i don't feel so important to you anymore.
maybe it's just me but i just need to be reassured sometimes,
especially on days like this...
where i feel like this day could not get any uglier.

i don't want to drive you away by telling you all this,
like you HAVE to be better to me and notice me more.
no that's not what i want at all.

i just want to feel important again.
like before when you made me feel like if you didn't treat me well
you could lose me at anytime.
like lately i just feel like just one of the guys.
like your best friend, and feeling like your best friends isn't bad,
but i'd rather feel like a lady.

i just am so down about myself lately that sometimes i need a little
reassurance.

i wanna know that i'm your only woman.
that you wanna wake up next to me everyday.
that you think of me constantly.
that i am still beautiful in your eyes.

because that is how i look at you, every single day still.

morning mask.

Today i feel ugly
Not very pretty at all
Not lately.

I know I should always feel like I am beautiful just because I hate feeling so self loathing, but lately I feel like nobody tells me or anything to reassure me.

I don't have the prettiest smile, I am not skinny at all, I don't have the best complexion, I don't have the biggest boobs, I don't have pretty hair, I don't have long beautiful eyelashes, My nails aren't pretty, I have man toes, I have stretch marks in places I don't want them, I have scars all over my body, my socks never match... I am just not beautiful.

I can always tell i'm not when i take pictures. I mean yeah, i'm not photogenic whatsoever, but next to somebody else is when i notice my flaws.

It's when I feel most ugly, and lately I just don't feel pretty at all. It makes me feel so sad sometimes.

When I was younger I thought I could grow up and become beautiful, but i guess it's not always the case. I thought I could grow up and look and feel like a princess, but now that i'm older I just feel like i'm never gonna be beautiful.

I'm not a megan fox or a rosario dawson and it makes me sad that i will never come close to being as pretty or as eye catching.

Well i gotta get to work. time to go fake a smile.

peace



p.s. basically this is how i feel today.